I have been confused all my life.. like several others... But recently.. I just can not take it any more...
Well.. Most of the time its just- who am I, WHY AM i, WHere AM I... Whats going on..?? What is this place.. this world..?? I must be a human being by this wolrds semiotic system.. i have two hands, head, eyes, etc.. what all other creatures considered as humans have... and there is such life around us.. what we live.. with rules... with manners... how things are supposed to be... well.. it doesnt make much sense to me... i am able to follow this worlds orders on my better moments.. but sometimes im just like- why, wtf?? Why should i..
Sometimes again I live normal life.. according to this world... I can pretend like normal human being.. i can even forget for some time... my confusion.. but it comes back...
I have had moments of horror... When I am afraid of everything.. I can sit in a corner of a room, my back against a wall... or go under blanket.. hide there... from the world... to calm down...
Then I have moments of emptyness... when i think.. that not even moving my hand.. inhaling.. its not worth it.. as there is no point... whats the point to eat, to walk.. to put one lef in front of another.. to move on.. what for? why to buy a new computer, why to go to work.. why to study? why to function in this world...
im not sad... i dont care... i dont know... i dont see the point...
i do care about others suffering.. i care about sad and heartbroken or lonely people, sick people in pain, hungry animals.. etc... but what can i do for them? nothing.. i cant help myself...
i have started to avoid people and social events.. its not that i can not enjoy them.. i dont know how to even behave there... they dance and drink and talk.. but im thinking- whats the point?
I can still enjoy some emotional movies or books.. they get me off my confusion.. but real life.. not any more..
i used to have some good friends and we had fun.. we were traveling and doing things together...
now i want to be alone.. hide from worls and people...
i used to feel like in Robbie Williams song-
I dont wanna die, but I aint keen on living either...
but now Im feeling...
I dont want to live this world and this life, but Im afraid of death too...

So, I dont really know what to do... I can not die, I can not live.. Im just a empty soul... somewhere... somehow...

so I have been seeing my therapist for around 2 months. when I first started therapy I knew in myself I feel I have avoidant personality disorder, but I am seeing her about my anxiety. after careful thought I feel like my anxiety Is just the outcome of my avpd. I really want to tell her that I know fit into mthe characteristics and diagnostic traits.

does anyone have any suggestions, or even been through this situation themselves?

I've been struggling with immense emotional pain for the past couple weeks (should say months actually, but the past few weeks have been hell) because of this certain person mostly, but also because of friends and family. I want to find my own way and I want to be genuinely happy again. I try every day but it just somehow does not work. My goal is to let it go and be happy. Since I haven't told anyone of what happened because I can't, I've decided that I do need to let it out somewhere where no one knows me but I'll still have people reading this. It makes me feel a little better, or at least the thought of it does. I really, really, really want to be happy.

Okay, so I'm teenage female student. This year has been so hard for me. School is okay, but I'd rather be left alone. I feel like my friends don't understand me and it makes me annoyed and angry. I want to tell them that I don't feel like they are my real friends.

One time I wanted to listen to music and go home, but one of my friends just kind of wanted to walk with me. I told her that I want to walk alone and listen to music, but she didn't listen. I said it again, but she didn't listen. I was so angry because I told her that I wanted to walk alone. I also hate that this friend of my can't do anything alone. She can't even go to talk to the teacher without somebody else being there. It makes me so annoyed because she always drags me along. Like I'm not somebody who you can just use because you can't talk to someone alone.

There is one friend that made me hate myself. I one time told her that her face is red (it was winter and we had been outside) and she got angry. She just said "At least I don't cover my acne with tons of makeup." I was shocked, because she has the perfect skin so of course she doesn't understand. I stopped and went to the bathroom and stared at my face and thought is it really that bad. I held back tears. I still remember and can't let go of it. I hate my skin.

Then there is this time that I finally went out (I never go out) and guess what happened. My brother took us to this pizzeria and my friends mum was supposed to take us home. Then when were there she says that her mum can't pick us up. I was angry. I got up and started to walk. Didn't look back. Just walked. It was so cold outside. I walked 10 km to get home. I left my friend there and didn't tell her why I left. I'm so done.

I do have one friend. But she is going to move away. So that is just great. I feel like I'm not able to enjoy. I don't anymore feel like gymnastics is important to me ( it used to be my everything) and everyday is just another day. I feel like I'm not really alive. Everyday I just sleep and I rarely leave my room. Sometimes I cry because I'm not able to do what I want. I want to love my friends and do all these things, but I just can't. What is wrong with me?

To whomever takes the time to read this. THANK YOU. I’m going to try to make this quick and to the point. I can’t remember a time when anxiety wasn’t part of my life. Depression is different, it’s not a constant like anxiety. They still play their parts of equally destroying my happiness and chances to be happy. Since I’m desperate for some advice, I’ll save the stories from growing up for another blog post. For now, I’m just going give the basics. I grew up with an overbearing father whom, til this day is in denial he has a gay son whom has different interests. I’m not the son he expected. My dads a hardworking man who’s always been a foreman and architect and building skyscrapers. Growing up he didn’t accept my aspirations. Becoming a writer was always something I wanted to be. He didn’t approve and made it known. “You’ll be living in a shack” I remember him telling me at dinner in a restaurant. It’s crystal clear as I think back on it now, so are the feelings that well up. It’s difficult because I actually do love my father and he loves me. Giving me everything that I wanted, besides accepting who I am and what I wanted for myself. I would give everything back if I just had that. As a result, I stagnated. I didn’t go to college after high school. I hopped from job to job aimlessly, took some community college classes but I never committed fully. I never committed because I just wanted approval. I was too scared to make a decision or committing because I wanted to make my dad happy, so I just wandered and wandered. I wandered into a job that is in the environmental business. I worked there for five years, but towards the end I was becoming unhappy. Unhappy with my boss and unhappy with the lack of growth. This was when my dad heard from a friend that somewhere was hiring for apprentices in a certain field. I’m going to keep some info vague as in to not give away where I’m working for privacy reasons. Anyway, this field was looking for apprentices and my dad had an in so it could help me with chances of getting accepted. A mixture of my passiveness, unhappiness, and the constant pushing of my father I started the admission process. I didn’t want to do this from the beginning and I tried relating that to him without making him angry. I was told I’m not going anywhere with this job and this is a great field to be in. So I let him believe I wanted it. I ended up getting into the apprentice program. I put on a fake smile and told everyone what they wanted to hear. My dad wanted this so bad for me he paid The required fees since I didn’t have them. At the beginning of September I started class and was told to quit my old job since I would start working for them. This is when my soul began to die. I didn’t begin working til the end of December. I didn’t make a check for four whole months. Within this time I was never more depressed. I was anxious about starting a new job, waiting for the call that I would be called in for work for those for those four months. Thank god for my family helping me through it but it didn’t feel good. So feeling like this, we’re to go to class one day every two weeks. I missed a few days because I was sick with anxiety of having to go in. The thought of going to this class made me throw up. I had doctors notes for some of the days I missed so I thought I was okay. I finally got the call for work and found I was very lucky with the people I got placed with and things began looking up. I didn’t miss any classes, I was making money. Then came the end of the job. I was laid off last week. Luckily I’m getting unemployment checks every week. Now here’s the catalyst of why I decided to register to this forum. My brother is having a destination wedding in July. I found out that I’ll be away and missing a day of school. I decided to sit down and speak to my instructor about it. Well, it turned out all my absences weren’t covered by my doctors notes for whatever reason they weren’t good enough. I’ve exceeded the p...

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